Peer Responses

Week 1

Kimberly, overall I found this piece to be interesting and fresh. You talk about an activity and lifestyle that is relatively popular in our society, but with your own twist. It is interesting to read about how your lifestyle and way of doing yoga everyday differs from the “mainstream” lifestyle that society tends to think of when someone says that they are a yoga enthusiast. You do a great job of challenging the stereotypes.

I really like the quote at the end of your piece that states, “There is no right or wrong way to do yoga because yoga is simply a challenge to push yourself”. You really get down to the core purpose of why you do it- health benefits and stress relief and once again remove all of the excess people usually associate with it. Throughout the piece, I did not come across any grammatical errors or issues in structure, I agree with Brian’s comment about how the question/answer format suits your piece well. I would love to see you go into more ways that yoga has shaped your life because you seem so passion about the topic. I look forward to reading more!

Matt, I want to start off by saying that I think the identities you chose to delve into and discuss are very intriguing when paired together, something you do not read about much. I’m glad that you chose to talk about them together rather than choosing one. Usually, these forms of identity (jock and artist) are as viewed at as very distinct and unrelated. I think that fate must have played a part in your class scheduling junior year, because it seems as if that is when you really found your niche.

There is a sentence in the third paragraph that includes the quote “there was no way of mixing my two passions because arts and sports don’t mix”. I think it could extremely interesting if you could somehow disprove this and go into maybe how they are related or why you were able to fall in love with both even though they appear to be so different. If you tried these two aspects of yourself together more, it would be very unique and engaging for the reader.

Overall, I did not come across any grammatical errors and the chronological structure of your piece appears to suit your topic well. I look forward to reading more!!

Olivia 

Week 2

Marc, first of all I want to express how incredible I think it is that you were able to come into a whole new setting with no familiary at all and be able to feel comfortable and make friends so quickly. Picturing myself in your shoes, I personally am not sure if I could handle that! I like how you acknowledged the fact that everyone was a “new student" during welcome week, but that your case was especially different. For some students, Philly was a new city, but you were dealing with a whole new country (I also am interested in what country). 

I think the metaphor about the train station was an interesting and effective way to sum up how you were feeling. If you continued on with that metaphor at the very end, I think it would really strengthen the writing. It seems like you finally found the right "track".  There were a few grammatical errors that could be easily fixed like spelling and the runon sentences that Caroline pointed out. Other than that great job! 

Being a college freshman is tough enough as it is, let alone for an international student. I really admire the courage you have to step out of your comfort zone. 

Brian, I think the overall theme in this short story is so relevant to our world today. These days technology is such a primary focus that hanging out with friends, as you articulated, has turned into scrolling through Instagram and checking the latest tweets.  Ill be the first to admit that sometimes I too can act like the “friend’s friends” in your story; however, it is refreshing to see someone who could care less about this shallow technological world. Wanting to actually hang out with friends shouldn’t make someone an outsider, but ironically in this case it did. Reading this made me realize how much I can get caught up in this world sometimes.

In addition to having a lot of interest, the writing is very well done. Phrases such as “the chaotic dance of the year's first fireflies permeates my peripheral vision” and “the SUV rumbles to life” I found to be incredibly well done. You are a very strong writer. There is something about the rhythm and description of your writing that makes it so enjoyable to read. Overall great job!

Week  4

I think the sources that you chose to annotate contain pertinent information for your paper. Each of the sources are fairly different, you did a great job of choosing a variety of information to work with. One suggestion I would personally make would be to include maybe at the end of each annotation how you are going to use this information in your paper or what makes this source stand out to you. This way when you are going through all of your sources later, you will be able to easily identify each source and its information without having to click on the links again and scroll through. Another suggestion would be to include some quotes that you found useful from each of the sources. 

Overall, I think you completed a good analysis of the sources and they will be very useful to you for this paper. 

Eugene, your summaries were thorough and contain a good amount of detailed information relevant to your topic. The second and third source seem to be pretty similar, but as long as you are able to pick out new information they will both be useful. 

            I did find a few grammatical errors so I would just read through again to make sure you fix them. A suggestion I would make would be to analyze in each annotation specific information that is pertinent in each source. This could also include quotes you found to be especially relevant. By doing this, you will be able to easily differentiate each  source and its applicability to your paper.

          Overall, you did a good job finding in depth, useful sources and your all of your citations appear to be accurate.

Week 5

I like how you start off the essay talking very generally about the cliques in American high schools. The reader immediately gets the vibe you are talking about; however, I think if you were able to clarify a little more the difference between nerds and geeks, the intro would be more sound. It was getting a little bit confusing for me. I think right after the first paragraph could be an opportune place to describe more thoroughly the history behind how nerds and geeks have been commonly stereotyped by society or how they have been portrayed in pop culture. I believe this would add another strengthening layer to your paper and the reader would be able to see the progression of your identity in society throughout the essay. 

The second paragraph starts to delve deeper into the nerd identity and its various components. I like how you started off the paragraph with your own personal experience and had the rest of the paragraph flow in relation to that. I was easily able to connect all of the pieces. The next paragraph where you introduce your interview made a good point about segregation in nerd culture. If you are able to bring in more of your interview, it would clarify the topic a little more.

Here are some final notes I have. The sources you used offer good tidbits of information to the paper, but are used so sparingly. I think moving forward with the paper you should try to find more ways to incorporate the research you have done. It may be that the sources you found were not easily applicable to your essay, and if this is the case it may be helpful to try to find some new articles. I think if you do a paragraph on the history of nerds in pop culture, you will be able to use a lot of research in there. Another thing I think you add more of is personal experience. I really enjoyed the opening of your second paragraph where you describe your relationship with the nerd identity. I would try to bring in some anecdotes of specific instances where your identity was prominent. Overall, I think the essay offers a very interesting perspective on nerds; it just needs some more fleshing out.

Week 7

First off, I found these excerpts to be very well written and engaging. I feel like everyone can relate to at least one of these in some form. I like how you did use "you" so that I was able to put myself in you shoes. All of your sections, although different experiences, relate to one another seamlessly. Although the reader does get a sense of identity, I think it would be more beneficial to your paper if you talked more closely to your identity as an athlete artist. You add a glimpse of the athlete part in the third section, but if you could talk about both of them in unison, it could be good material to add to your paper. Overall, these sections definitely spark emotion within the reader, which is why I think they are so successful. Take into consideration the suggestion I made, but overall you did a really good job! 

All of your sections are very consistent and tell portions of one story. I like how descriptive each of the sections were. I think it could have been more beneficial if your five sections talked about different experiences that you've had with your identity. This way the reader would feel a stronger sense of your identity, and you would have more material to use in your final paper. I like how you did use "you" so that I was able to put myself in you shoes. However, although the story is narrates a fascinating experience, it does not speak that much to identity. I wish you could have included that somehow within the excerpts. I think if you went over it and included more about your identity, it would create a stronger piece. But overall, this piece was an interesting read. 

Week  8

I think you did a good job on expanding upon the personal experiences you have included in your essay. Now, the reader is able to put imagery to words and understand more clearly the gist of your essay. I think detail is key when including personal experience, and you have started to do that really well. A suggestion I would make to really strengthen these personal experiences is to include one specific time you remember. It could be really short and to the point, but I think it will make these experiences more concrete and relatable since the ones you mention are for the most part pretty generalized. 

Adding more information from your interview to your essay is a great idea because you can use the content from the interview to either support your claims or to offer a new perspective which could be really interesting. Your paper is definitely moving in the right direction. Overall, good job. It seems like you have a good grip on your paper and are just working to fine-tune it.

Soham, although haven't read your full paper, but I can get the gist of the identity you are speaking to. I like the concept about you discussing the  "three stages”, the various emotions you felt while coming here, throughout your paper. I really like this idea and think it adds an interesting perspective to your paper.

Regarding what you corrected or added to your first draft, I think these anecdotes will be very successful additions to your paper. Your descriptive words and imagery place me into your own shoes and I am able to feel your apprehension and discomfort. You did a really nice job of conveying your feelings in these descriptions.

            Overall, nice work!